All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right,
And emptiness above -
Know that you aren't alone.
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.
Vikram Seth
woensdag 27 januari 2010
dinsdag 26 januari 2010
donderdag 21 januari 2010
Cats & Dogs
I stay inside
Although the sun shines. She seduces me – the full glory of light –
And traps me into the corner. As I close the curtains they dance
For me, and in my soporific state (who taught me that word?
Oh I remember, it’s the mysterious French girl whose words
whirl inside me erratically, without treading on the traces of reality;
I bet she is asleep right now, dreaming of another world)
they unveil their secrets for me.
Epiphany, I can see you, I will trust in you no more.
I think about blinding myself but that means I would be
Harnessed by your despair, that you awoke in me, that will not rest.
I’ve never seen buildings as tall as these. The devils throw rocks
At me from behind their wall of mist, as high as my enslavement,
But they never hit me anymore. The angels scream at me from
Behind the same clouds, sometimes ringing my ears deaf,
But the distance is too great to carry a message with our earthly voices.
All of them, way up there, on that first building to your right
Have consumed their own fate like cattle. But I can see them still.
The curtains have stopped dancing by long, serenely
They flatten their corruptive body, awaiting my approval.
And it’s this very moment – in control of everything around –
When the raindrops start a riot with the vibrant cold
And heavy darkness that I feel content and pleased.
I’m not to be seduced by the lucency of your kind any longer.
Admittedly black in soul, I now open the garden doors
And march within the night.
Although the sun shines. She seduces me – the full glory of light –
And traps me into the corner. As I close the curtains they dance
For me, and in my soporific state (who taught me that word?
Oh I remember, it’s the mysterious French girl whose words
whirl inside me erratically, without treading on the traces of reality;
I bet she is asleep right now, dreaming of another world)
they unveil their secrets for me.
Epiphany, I can see you, I will trust in you no more.
I think about blinding myself but that means I would be
Harnessed by your despair, that you awoke in me, that will not rest.
I’ve never seen buildings as tall as these. The devils throw rocks
At me from behind their wall of mist, as high as my enslavement,
But they never hit me anymore. The angels scream at me from
Behind the same clouds, sometimes ringing my ears deaf,
But the distance is too great to carry a message with our earthly voices.
All of them, way up there, on that first building to your right
Have consumed their own fate like cattle. But I can see them still.
The curtains have stopped dancing by long, serenely
They flatten their corruptive body, awaiting my approval.
And it’s this very moment – in control of everything around –
When the raindrops start a riot with the vibrant cold
And heavy darkness that I feel content and pleased.
I’m not to be seduced by the lucency of your kind any longer.
Admittedly black in soul, I now open the garden doors
And march within the night.
Stop, Slow Down.
You step into the white fluorescent light
That my sight had so intensely captured,
And harvest spring fruits before my eyes;
Each single fruit piece is your gracious body.
But the white stream moves away and follows its path after
The courageous jet-fighter, with thousand feet per second
High in the air,
As do my eyes.
The white clouds seem to be struggling
With each other to go into whatever direction
As fast as possible, taking all sorts of forms.
Every small piece is another secret of beauty to me.
Every second one awakes anew, and builds
Its own peaceful kingdom in the skies.
I saw the plane descend behind the defoliating treetops,
And you disappeared the same moment
into the intangible haziness of the smoke.
That my sight had so intensely captured,
And harvest spring fruits before my eyes;
Each single fruit piece is your gracious body.
But the white stream moves away and follows its path after
The courageous jet-fighter, with thousand feet per second
High in the air,
As do my eyes.
The white clouds seem to be struggling
With each other to go into whatever direction
As fast as possible, taking all sorts of forms.
Every small piece is another secret of beauty to me.
Every second one awakes anew, and builds
Its own peaceful kingdom in the skies.
I saw the plane descend behind the defoliating treetops,
And you disappeared the same moment
into the intangible haziness of the smoke.
The natural beauty of a stream of water
Made me finally park my car,
And exhale my youth.
In nowhere and everywhere I found myself;
One physical, the other spiritual,
And together lost in happiness.
I took it all with me to the chosen spotless site
You had so clearly and vividly recognized
From your collection of dreams.
It were those dreams that we had built on,
Those dreams that we cared for,
In those dreams we believed.
There, in my head a piano sounded
And I felt our dream
Awake.
There, on the banks of that river,
You gave birth
To our dream,
And
We walked with it and fed it
Along the shores of time.
Made me finally park my car,
And exhale my youth.
In nowhere and everywhere I found myself;
One physical, the other spiritual,
And together lost in happiness.
I took it all with me to the chosen spotless site
You had so clearly and vividly recognized
From your collection of dreams.
It were those dreams that we had built on,
Those dreams that we cared for,
In those dreams we believed.
There, in my head a piano sounded
And I felt our dream
Awake.
There, on the banks of that river,
You gave birth
To our dream,
And
We walked with it and fed it
Along the shores of time.
Chez Diable
Solemnly the silence hovers through my entangled hair
Which had never felt so original before.
But it was not only my hair that felt out of place.
My clothes – compared to theirs, which are reminiscent to me of that time I played ghost
With my little sister; but the drawer with the sheets was too high for us
So we played with the old curtains –
Had never looked more modern than in this environment.
Nonetheless, no-one noticed my presence in the anonymity of this place of Hope
That looked so cold and dead to me -
Or rather found me worthy enough to notice.
Maybe they were all connected to Him;
I mean, for God’s sake, what do I know?
I am only here to bring the red wine.
I turn around, close the heavy, mahogany-adorned monastery door
And walk to the always attractively cosy-looking café ‘Chez Diable’ –
And I noticed for the very first time
That the door is decorated with the same mahogany woodwork as the monastery door –
To deliver the money.
I suddenly remember that the oldest customer once told me
That the café must be as old as the monastery,
Because it has always been there
Just around the corner.
Which had never felt so original before.
But it was not only my hair that felt out of place.
My clothes – compared to theirs, which are reminiscent to me of that time I played ghost
With my little sister; but the drawer with the sheets was too high for us
So we played with the old curtains –
Had never looked more modern than in this environment.
Nonetheless, no-one noticed my presence in the anonymity of this place of Hope
That looked so cold and dead to me -
Or rather found me worthy enough to notice.
Maybe they were all connected to Him;
I mean, for God’s sake, what do I know?
I am only here to bring the red wine.
I turn around, close the heavy, mahogany-adorned monastery door
And walk to the always attractively cosy-looking café ‘Chez Diable’ –
And I noticed for the very first time
That the door is decorated with the same mahogany woodwork as the monastery door –
To deliver the money.
I suddenly remember that the oldest customer once told me
That the café must be as old as the monastery,
Because it has always been there
Just around the corner.
Still
Still, flat lines,
Drawing but eternally being drawn;
Our lives are so restless.
Romance with no name eats its heart out
And prays for satisfaction.
The sky opens up and drops new things
Onto our curiosity and boredom,
And we never give in
And we are never sorry.
I know you don’t want me to write right now,
But you’re nearly asleep – a moment of peace –
And I’ve never been so penetrated with emotions.
You kick me softly, once,
Twice and I drop the piece of paper,
That spreads its wings
As if nothing had gone wrong.
You can’t see me because you turned your back on me
But I’m awake already,
Wrapped in morning’s light
That even illuminates your corner.
You turn and the bed makes funny noises
And you yawn
And you sigh,
And the light fades into the other room.
Drawing but eternally being drawn;
Our lives are so restless.
Romance with no name eats its heart out
And prays for satisfaction.
The sky opens up and drops new things
Onto our curiosity and boredom,
And we never give in
And we are never sorry.
I know you don’t want me to write right now,
But you’re nearly asleep – a moment of peace –
And I’ve never been so penetrated with emotions.
You kick me softly, once,
Twice and I drop the piece of paper,
That spreads its wings
As if nothing had gone wrong.
You can’t see me because you turned your back on me
But I’m awake already,
Wrapped in morning’s light
That even illuminates your corner.
You turn and the bed makes funny noises
And you yawn
And you sigh,
And the light fades into the other room.
Cracow by Night
We drink our beers in the slumbering of the city,
In the morning of the night
When the cigarette smoke that is the morning mist
Stains my vision as well as my lungs.
There's no music;
Only an alarm clock ringing in the form of a popular song
that cuts through all that is unconscious and of interest to me.
We dare not speak yet cause we fear our voices
haven't recovered from our last attempt.
I feel alone and abandoned like a little child.
I count the days your arms have stopped touching me
(I haven't the courage to count the other way around)
and know I will only need one hand,
Although I honestly feel like I need every single finger of you.
The music abruptly stops and I can think again.
I feel our desires meet, some place elsewhere,
that we can only travel to together,
but it is the desire of seeing you again
that cannot meet yours.
Another empty glass makes two more hands
and the table - poisoned with alcohol - tremble,
Raising so many urges,
Raising indolence to its feet.
I wished there was a mirror
to reverse or adjust my angle on this moment,
to reverse something that feels so irreversible.
I wish another person's joy was more understandable to me.
Morning ends
Today, as we carry ourselves through the streets
that whisper in a language I do not speak.
I'm once more struck by loneliness
and when I finally find my temporary bed,
It's the breathing of the unknown people
that keeps my solitude awake.
In the morning of the night
When the cigarette smoke that is the morning mist
Stains my vision as well as my lungs.
There's no music;
Only an alarm clock ringing in the form of a popular song
that cuts through all that is unconscious and of interest to me.
We dare not speak yet cause we fear our voices
haven't recovered from our last attempt.
I feel alone and abandoned like a little child.
I count the days your arms have stopped touching me
(I haven't the courage to count the other way around)
and know I will only need one hand,
Although I honestly feel like I need every single finger of you.
The music abruptly stops and I can think again.
I feel our desires meet, some place elsewhere,
that we can only travel to together,
but it is the desire of seeing you again
that cannot meet yours.
Another empty glass makes two more hands
and the table - poisoned with alcohol - tremble,
Raising so many urges,
Raising indolence to its feet.
I wished there was a mirror
to reverse or adjust my angle on this moment,
to reverse something that feels so irreversible.
I wish another person's joy was more understandable to me.
Morning ends
Today, as we carry ourselves through the streets
that whisper in a language I do not speak.
I'm once more struck by loneliness
and when I finally find my temporary bed,
It's the breathing of the unknown people
that keeps my solitude awake.
vrijdag 15 januari 2010
Letters to the Beloved, #3
Het is alsof mijn gedachten niet meer menselijk zijn, alsof ze boven al het mogelijk menselijke zweven, net zoals de mens er eindeloos over heeft gedaan voordat het kon vliegen, moet ook dit een compleet nieuwe uitvinding zijn, iets wat de mensheid nog nooit eerder ontdekt had, iets waarop ik, zodra ik me even zonder bovenmenselijke kwaliteiten voel, patent kan aanvragen ware het niet dat ik zelf geen idee zou hebben waar ik dan eigenlijk de ontdekking van claim; wanneer ik ren, ga ik minstens twee keer zo hard, wanneer ik moe word, geef ik daar helemaal niets om; als ik val, lach ik in plaats van beschaamd te zijn en huil ik alleen om de kleinzieligheid van al het leed en verdriet in het leven, dat toch, met de kracht van zoveel levenden, door de liefde, niet per sé de zwevende en onbegrijpelijke soort, hoewel ik het me wel zo voorstel, al dat leed wordt bestreden door die liefde, en zoals ik het nu voel, zoals ik mijn bloed krachtig voel pompen en mijn hart hoor vechten met elke slag, mijn vuisten niet gebald maar mijn handen in elkaar gevouwen als twee geliefden in elkaar gevouwen in bed, zo voel ik het, zo voel ik dat we sterker zijn dan al het verdriet, dan alle pijn, zelfs sterker dan de kracht van het al het afsterven.
Nee, nee!, ik heb het niet over individuele liefde, het kan niet zo zijn dat, ik accepteer het gewoon niet dat men denkt dat mijn liefde alleen op mijzelf slaat, alleen mijzelf gelukkig kan maken terwijl ik zie dat het zoveel anderen om mij heen gelukkig maakt, moed geeft, meesleurt in positieve gedachten die uitmonden in een onuitputtelijke hoop op verbetering, op iets mooiers, op iets... liefdevollers. Ik weet dat het niet alleen op mij slaat, daar hoeft niemand me van te overtuigen, niemand zal me van het tegendeel kunnen overtuigen, ik kan niet de enige zijn die deze liefde zo voelt en ik kan dus ook niet de enige zijn die liefde op deze manier wilt delen.
Ik ren, ik zweef, ik val, maar ik val niet echt, ik struikel over de grappen van het leven, ik zie waarom ze grappig zijn en niet pijnlijk; ik lach niet om de pijn van anderen maar ik verzacht het door naar ze te lachen, door ze te leren begrijpen, door hen mij te laten begrijpen, door hen lief te hebben zoals ik niemand anders en tegelijkertijd iedereen liefheb. Het is waar dat ik één persoon bovenal, boven iedereen zal liefhebben, maar is dat dan erg? Wat wordt verwacht van mij? De bron van alle liefde heb ik natuurlijk meer lief dan de stroompjes door het landschap die het voortbrengt, net zoals de basis van een liefhebbende familie, het hart ervan, twee innige geliefden, en hun zoon en dochter, net zoals het hart van een familie de leden zijn, niet hun huis, hun auto, en alle liefdeloze kapitalistische troep die tegenwoordig wordt geassocieerd met het hebben van een familie; zo zal mijn liefde voor haar voelen, als het hebben van een familie; dat moet toch één van de mooiste gevoelens ter wereld zijn. Mijn liefde voor anderen, daarnaast, is niet vergelijkbaar met materialistische liefde, zoals zoveel families hebben; ze zouden nog liever hun buurman laten sterven dan hun televisie afstaan. Nee, mijn liefde is voor iedereen, niet individualistisch, het heeft enkel ergens een bron, een bron die ik waarborg en eer, vereer, terecht verafgood.
Nee, nee!, ik heb het niet over individuele liefde, het kan niet zo zijn dat, ik accepteer het gewoon niet dat men denkt dat mijn liefde alleen op mijzelf slaat, alleen mijzelf gelukkig kan maken terwijl ik zie dat het zoveel anderen om mij heen gelukkig maakt, moed geeft, meesleurt in positieve gedachten die uitmonden in een onuitputtelijke hoop op verbetering, op iets mooiers, op iets... liefdevollers. Ik weet dat het niet alleen op mij slaat, daar hoeft niemand me van te overtuigen, niemand zal me van het tegendeel kunnen overtuigen, ik kan niet de enige zijn die deze liefde zo voelt en ik kan dus ook niet de enige zijn die liefde op deze manier wilt delen.
Ik ren, ik zweef, ik val, maar ik val niet echt, ik struikel over de grappen van het leven, ik zie waarom ze grappig zijn en niet pijnlijk; ik lach niet om de pijn van anderen maar ik verzacht het door naar ze te lachen, door ze te leren begrijpen, door hen mij te laten begrijpen, door hen lief te hebben zoals ik niemand anders en tegelijkertijd iedereen liefheb. Het is waar dat ik één persoon bovenal, boven iedereen zal liefhebben, maar is dat dan erg? Wat wordt verwacht van mij? De bron van alle liefde heb ik natuurlijk meer lief dan de stroompjes door het landschap die het voortbrengt, net zoals de basis van een liefhebbende familie, het hart ervan, twee innige geliefden, en hun zoon en dochter, net zoals het hart van een familie de leden zijn, niet hun huis, hun auto, en alle liefdeloze kapitalistische troep die tegenwoordig wordt geassocieerd met het hebben van een familie; zo zal mijn liefde voor haar voelen, als het hebben van een familie; dat moet toch één van de mooiste gevoelens ter wereld zijn. Mijn liefde voor anderen, daarnaast, is niet vergelijkbaar met materialistische liefde, zoals zoveel families hebben; ze zouden nog liever hun buurman laten sterven dan hun televisie afstaan. Nee, mijn liefde is voor iedereen, niet individualistisch, het heeft enkel ergens een bron, een bron die ik waarborg en eer, vereer, terecht verafgood.
Erasmus
We are murderers of creativity
and backstabbers of motivation,
pickpockets of happiness
carrying our wine and hoarse voices in the streets,
shining like stars, shamelessly
in our nightly feverish insolation.
Crossing white lines, uncertainty encircling our oh so temporary entity,
and you tell me “I can’t dance to techno music”,
crossing darkness, harassing yourself and discovering liberty,
and you tell me “I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do”,
falling from your bed into the emotional gutter,
and you tell me “let’s just be friends”,
crossing my personal Interzone
as I crucify wooden Jesuses
and spread my semen on your walls.
We are worshippers of black culture
crossing cultural bridges
oversleeping life.
We are the laziest lifesavers on earth.
and backstabbers of motivation,
pickpockets of happiness
carrying our wine and hoarse voices in the streets,
shining like stars, shamelessly
in our nightly feverish insolation.
Crossing white lines, uncertainty encircling our oh so temporary entity,
and you tell me “I can’t dance to techno music”,
crossing darkness, harassing yourself and discovering liberty,
and you tell me “I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do”,
falling from your bed into the emotional gutter,
and you tell me “let’s just be friends”,
crossing my personal Interzone
as I crucify wooden Jesuses
and spread my semen on your walls.
We are worshippers of black culture
crossing cultural bridges
oversleeping life.
We are the laziest lifesavers on earth.
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